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June 21st, 2005
04:05 pm
yea im getting rid of this journal, i started it too long ago and i rarely write, when i do its only sad things...why are people so....god whats the point? whenever i think things are getting better, or moving up, someone or something has to kick me back down, and fine im not gonna fight anymore. goodbye!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankwinkp.gif) quixotic
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June 3rd, 2005
11:22 am - look at the little cat thinking...
wow, ever since i read tanya's journal i have been having crazy dreams about jason. like it was me and tanya at the concert, but i got there late and tanya was backstage with him and i got jealous, but i still love him. i hate to admit it, but i kinda miss school. it feels weird to have nothing to do. i have been so sad lately, and i cant figure out why. im gonna be 19 soon, and i expected my life to be so different. i cant believe i still live at home. i was so sure once i turned 18 i would be gone, now im just dragging. pretending to be alive. i guess i used to smoke because i felt something, it made me feel. maybe my senses are fried, because im numb.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankthinkp.gif) contemplative
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May 19th, 2005
01:40 pm
skool is almost over, and i am this close to quitting subway. its not fun anymore. i hate when the things i look forward too turn boring. that is everything. i registered for fall classes, and i hope it never comes. i cant see myself spending all my time at wright. grrr... wat am i supposed to be doing? is there a point to any of this?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankhyperp.gif) bouncy
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May 2nd, 2005
01:37 pm - anxiety
yesterday was my one here anniversary with ralf. one whole freakin year. that is a loooooong time to last for me. i cant commit to anyone. really the only relationship i have had for that long is tanya, and i dont know how she has put up with me for that long! but it wasnt as romantic as i pictured it. nothing is. i guess im really idealistic about love and i picture flowers and candles and lots of romance. but i got a cold room a small bed and no kiss good night. i feel like i have to make him like me sometimes, that i have to put extra effort across or somethin. but he nevers puts any effort for me to like him... but its hurting my head to write. i didnt go to my first class today, for the sixth time, so i dont kno wats gonna happen, nor do i care, i need to sleep.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankscaredp.gif) anxious
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April 24th, 2005
01:50 am
wow i feel like everything changed and i dont even know people anymore....tanyas got new friends that i dont even know, ralph has got like a creepy new life that confuses me, and im just desperatley trying to stay a float, yet every wrong move i make i feel like im gonna break if he looks at me wrong or if i say something i feel. when did it get so bad, when did i stop feeling, oh man i gotta go take a test.
Current Mood: scared
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April 20th, 2005
09:08 am - happy 420 to all!
Im annoyed and would like to sleep it off but alas i am here. whenever i think that i am changing and that i have things figured out, why am i punched in the face by reality? i wish i had a plan. i desperately wanna feel like i used to about ralf. im telling myself im supposed to love him. i do love him, i just cant stop but he makes me feel so bad all the time, everyday i cry. i used to never cry at all. i used to do a lot of things i suppose, and i really dont miss them. i wish i had a huge sandwhich right now, that would make me happy, or maybe a donut. do u ever wonder people's alterior motives? like why they do certain things. like with my parents i know they do it so they have something to thow back in my face, but just people, like this one person...anyways no journal is private from eyes so i guess there is no point in continuing......
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankangryp.gif) annoyed
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April 6th, 2005
02:19 pm - hot and bothered
wow i thought i wanted summer to be here, now i have a horrible headache induced by the stuffy 100+ degrees from inside the car. skool was so pointless today, i only wanted to be outside, than i got outside and i wanted to be inside. i had the freakest dream ever this morning, like there was something, like a monster or the alien from alien vs. predator inside of me but u could only hear it, like i would scream and be transformed. i was trying to save people from being killed by it, but in the end i killed them all inside an elevator, but i dont remember getting inside of it. i have crazy ass dreams. i wanna go rollerblading but the park is packed. its like when it gets warm people swarm to the park like cock roaches..... i feel so angry and sad right now. like im leading an inevitabe life. living a life i hate but am unwilling to change. ive stopped writing, maybe thats why. all of my feelings are waiting to spill out on paper. i only write when im at skool, when i should be listening to my "teachers" if you can call them that. sometimes i think college, or at least community college was created to stop people from getting ahead. cuz i dont feel any different than i do when i was in high skool. i have no desire to make friends with any of these people, nor do i plan on making any lasting memories. now that i have a job im gonna (hopefully) save money and get out. thats what i told myself before, so who really know?
Current Mood: contemplative
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April 4th, 2005
07:25 pm
im getting an A in my anthropology class. that makes me feel better about skool, like there is a point in going. i worked so much this weekened, i didnt hate it but i didnt like it. at least i didnt have to talk to anybody. i feel so fat and self conscios. wow i can not spell anymore or think. my brain hurts i was up all nite tossing and turning and wondering what was the point of everything. i need to feel sum happiness, i radiate only hate, but knowing my work is being rewarded in all aspects makes me feel better.
Current Mood: undecided
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March 28th, 2005
02:19 am
wow i am very sleepy. i wish i could sleep all the time, and sit out in the sun and eat watermelon. i have a job now. the prospect made me feel good yesterday, but now i have no feelings. so im prob gonna quit, but i cant i need to move out. that gives me hope.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/anksleepyp.gif) sleepy
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March 16th, 2005
07:23 am
yes skool is almost over. i feel stressed for no reason except myself. i miss having friends, i reallly do. but i hated most of them anyway, except for, like two. im gonna go take my midterm than go lie on the grass for the rest of the day.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankittenp.gif) blah
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March 14th, 2005
08:15 am
what a sucky weekened as usual, didnt do shit... went down to the lake, that was the highlight of my week. it felt so fresh being outside like i could shed my old skin and old feelings, but than i go back home to worse of the same....
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/anksadp.gif) sad
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March 10th, 2005
01:41 pm
hey wow has it been along time. i have been using xanga, but now i have too many people on that site that read my shit, and how can i talk about them? im not trying to offend anyone, but nowadays anything u do will. i have an ongoing headache, what does it mean when u dont sleep anymore? i mean no more than 4 hours a nite. but im still alive. i really wanna move out of this country. to canada or spain or anywhere....that is not here.
Current Mood: annoyed
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January 29th, 2004
01:28 pm - 30 (or more) things i plan to do b4 I'm 30
1-pierce my belly
2- swim in the ocean at nite
3- go on a roadtrip
4- climb a hill in England
5- travel in a cab through Times Square
6- drink tea next to the Eifel Tower
7- have sex outside :)
8- watch the sunrise on the beach
9- go to the Grand Canyon
10- Get my own apartment with a chihuahua
11- go surfing(or at least attempt to)
12- run in a marathon
13- go skinny dippying
14- buy a (used) car
15- meet Oprah
16- get a poem published
17- meet the president (or at least go inside the white house)
18- climb a mountain
19- adopt a child
20- go to an authentic real football game
21-learn to drive a motorcycle
22- get married (?)
23- learn to belly dance
24- hike through a rainforest
25- fly in a hot air balloon
26- play black jack in a Las Vegas casino
27- flash my chest during Mardi Gras
28- have a threesome (?)
29- get multiple tatoos- angel, a star, the gemini symbol, sumthin else...
30- watch the sunset from a waterfall
31- ride a horse on the beaches of Cancun
32-Learn how to play at least one song on the guitar
33- Live in another country (i.e. Spain, Brazil, England, Italy or France)
34- Get drunk on a roof
35- watch fireworks from a boat
36- make-out in a photobooth
37- find kevin bacon
38- touch eminem
39- take a self defense or martial art class
40- bye silk sheets
41- go to a really fancy hotel 4 one night
42- take a bath filled with liquor or wine
43- get my hair braided
44- Go to the Winter Olmypics-2006
45- GO TO CANADA!
46- Meet Ryan and Colin and Wayne- i love them all!
47- go to a nudist beach
48- learn to snowboard
49- take a picture by the HOLLYWOOD sign
50- truly really unbelievaby fall crazy in love- well i guess i dont control when that happens
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01:10 pm
wow i havent written in along time. actually i did but then i went to put it in and my stupid computer froze. its been doing that a lot. so, hi! since my last journal a lot has changed with me i think. school, is ok, i guess. im passing everything with all Bs for the most part. i decided on going to Columbia for college. i mean in my heart i know that that was not my first choice, but for convience and lack of trying on my part its the best place. i have noticed some weird thingss about my self lately and i realized i need to stop or at least cut down on the things i have been doing because i now actively go out searching for them. im not as strong as i used to be, but i will make it. i met this new guy, adn for some reason i have a deep attachment to him. its emotional too, not purely pysical, which is scary. i mean it is on my part, i havent figured out if he feels the same, and really i dont care. im gonna do what i think is right, and i know it will be ok in the end. he makes me smile :)
everyone i know right now is going through some hard times, and i feel like im past mine or things are just beginning. Norbert and i are just friends, we dont talk very often, which is probalby better, we never were met to be anything else. ithink im one of those people searching for love. i feel like life is better with it, thats so wrong. i mean i m not out there searching for people to fuck, dont get me wrong. I like the intensity of a relationship, i just dont like when it fizzles out. Im so sleepy, and i have nothing left to say. i hope this doesnt sound to crazy.....
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January 18th, 2004
03:52 pm
hi, so far it has been a good sunday. New England's beating Indy, and although i think Tom Brady's hot,they were at the superbowl last year. indianpolis is my team, but they suck today. owell, there is always next year. im back at school, and things are....good. that is so weird, because last week this time i was convinced i was never going back. im gonna finish and be successful, because i cant see life the way it is rite now for me the way my life is gonna be in ten years,. i will kill myself. i want to see more and feel more. this little corner of chicago has been my life for to long, i need to get out. i feel like i could leave tomorrow and not miss anyone, i know that sounds horrible, but people just bring me down. i care soo much about what other people think and how they feel that i just like nullify my existence. i conform to someone they can like and they can need, its pretty sad. i wish i was prettier or skinnier, like i work so hard just so other people can "like me" and it makes me sick now. im not doin it anymore. it thought i was being selfish before, nina would tell me how i need to grow up and realize all the people im hurting, but the only one i was hurting was myself. by throwing up all the time, by letting myself believe all the things he told me are true, i was self destructing. i was living day to day. but not anymore. im gonna do what i feel is rite all the time. i love my family, they are u know, my life sorta. where would i live if it wasnt for them, they might not be the brightest people in the book, but they are the biggest reason i am who i am, and as much as i say i hate my father, i am my father. so much of what i think is what my father thinks, and i can just close my eyes and hear his voice, and my body just radiates heat and anger. my mother's ignorance is sumthin else i inherited, but not to her extremes. i swear as of today on i will not let a man walk all over me the way she does. maybe thats why i israel and norbert treated me the way they did. because i let them, i gave them everthing they wanted. i never got what i wanted, i didnt even know what i wanted. i still dont, but i know that i wont find it here in this room, on this street, in this city. im sic of drinking on the weekeneds not remembering what i did, and having to sneak back home and create all theses stories to save my ass, im sic of sneaking around period. i have been searchin for something to easy this feelin. im so indecisive, i always feel like im making the wrong choice. like im passing up the GREAT OPPURTUNITY. i will never know i guess. i think eeryone is on some kind of search and they probalby will never find what they are lookin for nor do they even know what it is, so i dont feel bad. i just wanna be happy. real feel it for once.
PS indy just lost :(
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January 11th, 2004
09:56 pm
uh i need sleep but i need to get yesterday out of my system now once and for all. im a firm believer in not regretting anything in life, i mean everything has to happen for a reason rite? but yesterday should have never ever happened. how can u think u know someone but be so horribly wrong? he talked so sweetly, and so respectful and shy, i thought he was like an old soul ya know? but it shows how naive i am and how stupid i am. He got with Cathy, that should have been sign number one and only.i mean he told me after but he also wanted her number, so hello? but i doint care, it just HURTS SO BAD. well the whole day i was feelin shitty, i havent been goin to school, and my sis said im getting failure notices. and i get stupid where like, if people dont call me, i feel like they dont care and that im not important, and no one had called me so i felt even shittier. (isnt that so dumb-its just the weird way i think) plus i actually called norbert and he didnt pic up. so i slept and than i talked to tanya but talking to her made me feel like i was like stalking her which im not it was just that she was the only person i wanted to hang out with that nite cuz with her i dont have to try to be sumthin im not. and chalupas sounded really good. memo to anyone-DONT TRY THE BEAN & CHEESE BURRITO. not good. we walked to her old house talking about stupid stuff, it was fun, it made me take my mind off cathy ditching me and school and norbert. so we get there and watch tv, like mr. bean and this britney spears thing. i secretly want to be her-shh! but we were dancing and than cathy called me freakin out so i told her to come over. im glad tanya and cathy get along, i think they like each other better than they like me, but it was cool. the fact that norbert was blowing me off affected my mood that whole night. y do i let a guy control me like that? so we dance and it reminded so much of th e NO Doubt conert, that was seriously one of the best concerts i have ever been to, there was so much energy.
but any way i will finish later i havent slept at all and i am drained.
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January 9th, 2004
10:06 pm - sleepy time
yea i am a dumb ass i cannot even spell sleep right. good nite again
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09:38 pm - sllep time
well its friday night and i sit at home. its ok though, cuz i have been going out my fair share recently, and i needed a break. hehehe thats sounds so corny. but MY MIND IS HEAVY I really got think things out. school. i know i have to graduate. there is no doubt about it, i won't
"succeed" without it, right? i just hate the way it is and the person i am there. i have a life without it, but i need like twelve credits. it is supposed to be my best year, right? its not at all. i cant concntrate or pay attenttion. i hate chemistry. like i would cut my own hand off to drop it. but i wont worry about that now. the last time i got into a huge fight with my dad i tried to explain how he contributes to my worrying disorder, but he laughed like its is not important. how can there be human beings like him in the world? seriously i thought everyone was born with some sort of compassion in them, but i guess i was wrong. i want to move out when im 18, but as i get closer to it ireally dont see it happening and that is depressing. but im happy. For the most part things are ok. i wish others people's feelings didnt affect me the way they do. but what can i do. hopefully i feel like this when i wake up and my stomache will go away. Good nite everyone. Sweet dreams
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January 4th, 2004
10:28 am
uh it really feels like vacation is over and i feel like my sucky life is about to begin again. im gonna have to pretend with people and im gonna have to smile and hold in what i really feel, but it won't be that bad. six more monthes right? friday nite was interesting, i never no whats gonna happen when i go out with him, but it winds up bad. well not bad, i gave him his chance. he called me last nite and told me to come over, i guess thats a good thing, but it was cold out and my bed was warm. then he called me at like one thirty drunk as hell, i know he probalby hooked up with some girl there. he was like " u really should come over here, theres no one here" (i heard like girls aughing and talking in the background) why are people like that? im gonna decide right now. but... i sorta like stringing him along, knowing that hes there when i want him. thats sounds funny.
Then theres another thing bugging me. i cant think about it, but i hate letting people down. i wish i knew what was going on, but i will write more later.
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January 2nd, 2004
07:03 pm
hey i can finally write my first entry. its gonna be weird but i will try. i have a tendency to only obsess over the bad things in my life so i will probalby ramble on. my friend tanya came home today, i havent seen her in awhile. its gonna be weird well why would it? talking to her on the phone wasnt any different, i just feel being without her for so long has made me a different person. it made me realize that my other friends arent as close to me as i thought they were. i think the worst feeling is being with someone and feeling lonely, thats what i feel like when im with people like my friends victoria and cathy. maybe thats because im a gemini because i switch moods so quickly, or maybe im just searching for people who dont exist. i dont want perfection, i just want people i can be perfectly honest with. i would love to b in love, but im not good at it. i get so jealous sometimes when tanya talks about diana because they are soo in love and i want to be like that. i want someone i can take care of and hold and just be there with. i thought i had it with norbert, but he could never be with one person, he doesnt trust well. we are perfect together hes as crazy as i am, and he holds me so well, but i think i obsess too much. im always askin him if hes ok. y would he be with me? damn my insecurities! i went tanning today and i was naked in a room that smelled bad. like some sort of orange sunlock and i think i inhaled too much of it. i hope it wasnt toxic. victoria and i spent like an hour talking to the guy, we were sure he was gay. we named him Dan the gay tan man. he was really nice telling us what we should do for college. more tomorrow!
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slurpeestar1's journal